listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
