life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
