There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
