My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
