You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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