I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
