I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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