he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
