I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
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