So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
