on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize