she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
