we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
