Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
