I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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