I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
