I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
