I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
