He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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