He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
