worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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