rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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