If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
