Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
