The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
