Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize