I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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