I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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