I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
