trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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