Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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