Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
