get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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