I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
