did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
