i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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