sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
