I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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