meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
