Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
My balls are so social today.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
