Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
