my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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