Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I smell like Dick and happiness
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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