Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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