Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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