Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
