Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
