how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
