soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
