I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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