Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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