She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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