guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
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