can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
