So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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