why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
