I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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