So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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