Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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