when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
