Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
