best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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