There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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