I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
