I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Randomize
