The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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