I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
