I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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