I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
