i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
