Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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