Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
