My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
