ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
