dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
