I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
