So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
