You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
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