saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
