You just made me feel so damn special
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
